nothing in particular

Thoughts on Berkeley

Tue, 21 May 2013 22:22:00 -0700

In July 2012, a site called Touchnote, which allows users to send physical postcards after constructing and customizing them online, partnered with Samsung for the 2012 London Olympics and gave away unlimited postcards to all users for the duration of the Olympics. Naturally, I decided it was time to decorate my walls, and to send myself such a plethora of postcards I would end up drowning in them. They weren’t very meaningful and bore no significance to me; I sent postcard after postcard after briefly catching a glimpse of the photo in question on Tumblr, slapping it on a postcard, and calling it a day. Eventually I came across one that resonated with me to a higher extent: the Golden Gate Bridge. The red richer than I had ever seen before, the bridge was shrouded in mist but still so very clear in my line of sight. It caught my eye, but not for long. I yet again put it on a postcard, and when it arrived on my doorstep weeks later, pasted it on my wall with some shakily pieced together rolls of tape without giving it much thought. San Francisco, and the public university campus ranked number one in the world in the city across from the great bay, was a foreign thought, and I had no real grasp of its existence.

October came, then November. It was college application season, and I was only applying to University of California campuses—I had no shot at what I considered reputable privates, and I had no desire or intention to leave my home state—which meant the process would be over for me by the evening of November 30th. I poured my heart into my essays while poring over every memory tucked away within the crevasses of my mind, hoping that admissions committees would see what friends and family couldn’t, and perhaps recognize a glimpse of what I had done in light of circumstances I struggled to relate. It was difficult. I made difficult decisions. I thought of what I had ignored for so many years. I asked for help. And when it came time to send the application away with the click of a button, I checked the box next to the Berkeley campus on a whim, knowing it would never happen with my grades and meager achievements. I would see the results of my struggles in March, and left it at that.

The weeks came and went. I was rejected from San Diego, Irvine, Davis, and Los Angeles, schools—except for UCLA, of course—I thought were well within reach. Berkeley would be coming out last, and I didn’t hold my breath, accepting the fate that I would have to settle for a “lesser” UC, like Santa Barbara, Santa Cruz, or Riverside, all of which I had actually been accepted to. I logged on at 3:00 pm on the afternoon of March 28th, 2013, and refreshed incessantly from then on, until some time before 5:00 when a login screen appeared after so many futile page refreshes. I didn’t expect much. What I saw after logging in truly became a blur, in my memory now, as I recall the wave of emotions that flooded me. I was crying, among other things, clearly pleased to see a yellow bar across the top of the web page welcoming me to the University of California, Berkeley. In the midst of so much rejection, depression, and anxiety, which I was on the path to seeing a psychologist for, this was a beacon of hope. Everything had been tumultuous in all aspects of my life, and this brought stability. Worth. Meaning. Things changed.

Negativity was no stranger, though. I knew what people were thinking, which quickly derailed my ecstatic nature. He only got in because he’s gay. He doesn’t deserve it. Did I believe it? I don’t know. Perhaps I started to. I joked, too, whether my admission was addressed or not, because I had a not-so-secret fear that people were thinking the worst of me, and I might as well have been in on the talk. “Thank god I played the gay card in my personal statements!” Such essays became my personal mockery as I used them to evade my insecurities. I acted like it was all some farce, and I had duped the admissions committee into letting me in because of my sexuality. After all, I was the only gay applicant to the entire University of California system, and they really needed me for some diversity—an afterthought, weeks later, as I realized my foolishness in thinking that my admission was unwarranted, and I held no merit; I filled my stream of consciousness with sarcasm. The confusion and damage was deep-rooted.

But what did they know? What did anyone know? A white, male, middle-class American teenager—could he have any problems? I felt my dignity being squashed as my integrity was called into question. When a boy posted on my Facebook wall a graphic describing how my coming out resulted in my admission to Berkeley, I took it as him speaking for the masses. I was reeling inside because I was inherently unable to determine who was right. It was crushing. I was weak. All that talk of utter confusion in my childhood and the brutal emotional trauma I endured was rendered useless to me; my essays became a true joke. I no longer believed in their value. I had held them in such high esteem, but knowing that people thought they were insignificant or untruthful blew the text and myself to pieces. It was sickening to think that people thought I had no merit and was only admitted because I am and identify as gay; it was more sickening that I grew to believe them, whether their opinions were voiced or not.

Things changed. I feel differently than I did a month ago. I feel differently than I did yesterday. I’m still depressed, but the realization of some objective facts lessens that depression. I’d like to think I was admitted to Berkeley because I have some worth. Because I took 12 AP classes. Because I passed some AP tests. Did I cheat in some classes? Absolutely. Did my meager SAT score, a test that showed my utter laziness, fool anyone? No. They saw how terrible it was. Did I volunteer selflessly? Yes— although that’s not to say I didn’t grow tired of being enveloped in environments I didn’t favor.

People like to think I’ve struggled throughout high school because I’m lazy. Sure, that’s part of it. Today, however, I am glad Berkeley recognized what it’s like to be gay. What it’s like to be bullied, what it’s like to see the passiveness of bystanders, what it’s like to lose friends, what it’s like to fail to see current friends willing to fight for me. Berkeley’s decision had nothing to do with affirmative action—if that is even applicable to minority sexualities, rather than races. It had to do with recognizing that emotional trauma is crippling, and striving in spite of that is a feat in itself. I am humble, concerning my admission to Berkeley, because I know the path I tread on was fragile, and the circumstances that have led me to where I am today will never be forgotten. At the very least, they are immortalized in my personal statements.

I don’t really know where I went with this essay. I’m gay, I thought that may have been why I was admitted to Berkeley, then I grew the fuck up and started to realize my god damn basic worth as a human being. Isn’t that enough?

a-ckleholic: gtaire: r u ever scared to walk past a group of teenagers even though you are also a...

Tue, 21 May 2013 18:12:37 -0700

a-ckleholic:

gtaire:

r u ever scared to walk past a group of teenagers even though you are also a teenager

r u ever scared to walk past a group of people even though you are also a people

megaman2: megaman2: “mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was…… extremely...

Tue, 21 May 2013 18:11:59 -0700

megaman2:

megaman2:

“mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was…… extremely silly?”

“no, i said she was fucking goofy”

please stop reblogging this i stole this joke from my brother

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Tue, 21 May 2013 17:00:48 -0700

Not feminism: Oh my God, that woman is wearing make-up and high heels! She can't be a feminist. She's just adhering to the patriarchal expectations of femininity! What a traitor to her gender.

Tue, 21 May 2013 17:00:14 -0700

Not feminism: Oh my God, that woman is wearing make-up and high heels! She can't be a feminist. She's just adhering to the patriarchal expectations of femininity! What a traitor to her gender.
Not feminism: I hate men! Women are so much better than men! All men are rapists and we don't need their help! Men are just there to oppress us and keep us down! Women are the superior gender.
Not feminism: You're giving up your career to have a baby? You're being dictated to by a man! That's the wrong choice! You've slept with twenty men? Wow, way to show that you have no respect for yourself.
Feminism: Women and men are equal. No-one should be discriminated against on the basis of their gender. Women have the right to decide how to live their life, how to dress, what to do with their body and who to love.

yahoo-official: benedictedcumberbabeof221: mighty-thor-of-assgard: danniauttumns: ser-merlin-of-v...

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:41:00 -0700

yahoo-official:

benedictedcumberbabeof221:

mighty-thor-of-assgard:

danniauttumns:

ser-merlin-of-valyria:

tumblr has fallen

david karp is dead

yahoo is coming

your second sentence only has 5 syllables. Haiku fail. Though… they all do have 5, poem pass, haiku fail.

it wasn’t a haiku, it was a harry potter reference:

“the ministry has fallen

scrimgeour is dead

they are coming.”

yahoo is here

nerdfighter13812: ohanameansfandom: Whenever anyone argues against marriage equality because of...

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:39:39 -0700

nerdfighter13812:

ohanameansfandom:

Whenever anyone argues against marriage equality because of their religious views as a Christian I just want to hit them over the head repeatedly with a Bible whilst yelling

ADULTERY ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

LYING ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

DIVORCE ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

DISRESPECTING YOUR PARENTS ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

WORKING ON THE SABBATH ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

WORSHIPPING OTHER GODS ISN’T ILLEGAL!!

THE LAW DOES NOT FOLLOW THE BIBLE!!!!!

I’m a Christian and I approve this message.

My class today

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:35:21 -0700

Me: So when you see the 4 year old boy pull the little girl's hair...
Students: He likes her!
Me: Now they are around 11 or 12 and he grabs her arm and wrestles her to the ground even though she calls him a jerk and yells at him to leave her alone.
Students: That is just how boys are.
Me: Now they are 18 and he grabs her arm and--
Students: Oh, that's not okay.
Me: Really? How would he know? How would she know? How would you know? You just told me that for the first 17 years of these children's lives that you thought it was cute, sweet, and natural for a boy to grab a girl and be rough with her.
Students: Oh.
Me: Oh, is right.

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Mon, 20 May 2013 19:43:19 -0700

dampsandwich: the entire school was burning down and i had to pull the fire alarm. i sprinted over...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:42:33 -0700

dampsandwich:

the entire school was burning down and i had to pull the fire alarm. i sprinted over to it. there was writing on it in permanent ink. it said: if you pull this down you are gay. no way was i pulling the fire alarm anymore

waking up and checking your tumblr like it’s the morning paper

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:42:08 -0700

waking up and checking your tumblr like it’s the morning paper

Popular Swedish radio station P3 played Lana Del Rey’s “Queen...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:40:06 -0700

Popular Swedish radio station P3 played Lana Del Rey’s “Queen of Disaster” to start tonight’s broadcast of “With Tina Mehrafzoon”!

himchanspenus: Here’s a serious advice. Even the nicest people have their limits. Don’t try to...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:39:05 -0700

himchanspenus:

Here’s a serious advice. Even the nicest people have their limits. Don’t try to reach that point because the nicest people are also the scariest assholes when they’ve had enough.

Most Awarded Artists of All Time (2013)

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:38:58 -0700

Most Awarded Artists of All Time (2013)

immiqrant: media blackout for months but still making headlines...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:38:33 -0700

immiqrant:

media blackout for months but still making headlines because of a single acrylic nail that’s my girl

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Mon, 20 May 2013 19:38:06 -0700

SHIT

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:37:01 -0700

SHIT

amajor7: my grad picture and quote pretty much sum up exactly...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:35:56 -0700

amajor7:

my grad picture and quote pretty much sum up exactly how i feel about heteronormativity~

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Mon, 20 May 2013 17:39:23 -0700

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Mon, 20 May 2013 15:26:00 -0700